Human

Since I was a kid, I’m not kind of an easy child. I assumed my relatives known me as a shy, moody, and… temperamental, I guess? Cranky is my middle name. I was and still am very sensitive. Cry and scream were (and sometimes still are) my things. I barely could handle my emotion when pressure came. Because of that, I tend to be quiet. I tend to avoid conversation because I’m afraid. I’m afraid they think I’m strange, I’m different. I’m afraid they think I’m a monster when I couldn’t handle my emotion. Because I knew some people (mostly elders) couldn’t resist to stare at me like, “what is happening with her?” since I was a kid. I felt it painful.  

I used to blame myself, “Why am I being like this? Why couldn’t you be like anyone else? Anyone else, who is always be okay when it is not?”

Ironic thing is, I never wanted to be like this. I wish I could have higher stress resistance. I wish I wouldn’t cry when I panicked. Sometimes, I wish I’m not as sensitive as I am. I know being such a sensitive person could help you more sympathy or even empathy with others, but when it came to yourself, it such a curse when you can’t handle it.

I found myself changed, the little more I can handle myself than when I was a kid. No, it’s not gone. I just hid it somewhere. Somewhere a little bit far so I can ‘live’ my life for a while. But yeah, it chases me anyway. When I can’t hold the pressures, there are things that would be happen to me. It’s either I’m being extremely quiet or loud, which means the monster I mentioned earlier came. You don’t want to know how the monster is. Maybe that is why I keep my circle small. I need people who may understand who I am. It's not like I don't need anybody else. It's me, who keep myself from overwhelm. 

I know I’m not alone. Even if I don’t really know what problem I’m actually having, I know so many people are struggling on their own problem THAT you may have no idea what it is. What I want to tell you guys from this writing is, people are different, yet we have same thing; we are human and not perfect.

I don’t try to educate you from this writing, I just want share something that maybe some people feel the same way and some others don’t know that it is happening to some people. It's not easy though to write kind of this thing. But, thanks, anyway!